I can hardly believe that it has been almost a year since I returned from Thailand. It has been a loooooong year, filled with a lot of adjustments and never enough time. It has also been tremendously rewarding and full and lovely. This year has been spent using the new viewfinder that I acquired in Thailand and applying my gaze to familiar locations and situations and experiences, and somehow recreating and deconstructing and reconstructing them and realizing that I have miraculously become a grown-up.
The year since I returned from Thailand was by far my most successful year of teaching ever, both in terms of the academic achievement and overwhelming love of learning obtained by my Superstars, and in terms of finding a true home for myself in this career.....this is the first year that I was able to drown out the voices of society at large wherein teachers are devalued. And while it still irks me to receive the "You're a kindergarten teacher? That's so cuuuuuuuuuuute!" reaction at cocktail parties with big wig academic types, I've learned to brush that off. They don't get it, and that's not their fault.
Truth be told the ability that I acquired in Asia to live fully in the present moment has sort of messed with my memory a bit. I find my memories of the details of my life in Asia slipping away as each day in MA brings with it new experiences, new challenges, and a crapload of work. I realize that this is the way of things, and our brains are not equipped to carry the minutia and the particles of all of our previous days, regardless of their seam-bursting richness. However, I feel a great sense of grief at these small losses, and I also feel grateful that I worked diligently to document my two years. The day that I left Bangkok I felt a tremendous sense of satiety and satisfaction. I felt that I had done everything that I wanted to do and seen everything that I wanted to see. Of course, now I wish that I had crammed even MORE travel experiences into my time there, and shipped even MORE exotic treasures home. But, well, I did what I could with the energy and resources that I had at the time. But man.....am I envious of the version of myself that got to be there. That sounds ridiculous and somewhat psychotic, but I am indeed jealous of the Brooke in my memories, the Brooke who will always be bombing around Bangkok on the back of motorcycles, weaving her way through markets, thumbing through travel guides, and getting thrown from elephants.
However, at the same time, my time in Thailand was tremendously complicated. I had many isolated stretches, and I now realize that I needed that time to serve as a retreat of sorts. I crossed paths with the people that I was meant to cross paths with, and they all entered and exited my life at the exactly right moments. And, well, my job was terribly difficult. Not only in terms of the workload and the ever-shifting kaleidoscope of expectations and responsibilities, but also emotionally. I knew the entire time, however, that that entire experience shone a spotlight directly onto my weaknesses and created an opportunity for me to fix them without making excuses or procrastinating (two activities that I loooooooove). Fixing those weaknesses was a matter of survival. But it sucked at times, and I have to admit that I wanted to come home on more than one occasion. However, my inner-Viking (I'm Scandinavian, after all) forced me to dig in and keep on trudging, and I'm glad that I did.
So my two years were filled with highs and lows of epic proportions--unlike anything I'd ever experienced--and while I have made peace with it all, and truly love and cherish each and every memory as they are preserved in my mind like a shelf full of crazy and spectacular china dolls, some of which are missing eyes and others that seem to watch you as you walk across the room and that sort of creeps you out and still others that make you smile in spite of yourself, part of that peace comes with knowing that it was a highly imperfect time, and that's just fine.
It is strange now, however, to now know the conclusions to many narrative threads that were dangling while I was over there. While I knew that I wanted things to work with Peter more than anything, and I had a feeling that they would, I could in no way have predicted what it would have been like to live with him. I thought, in the back of my mind, that there was a small chance that things could just unravel like that scarf that I crocheted for him in Thailand and then never quite finished because, as it turns out, I'm not so good with the ol' crochet hook, and besides, who the hell wants to work with wool when it's 800,000,000 degrees?
I think you catch my drift.
But things didn't unravel. Nor are they absolutely perfect. We have our own cozy setting for our own human dramas, and we have forged a solid life out of our flaws and our strengths. And while I was in Thailand I had no idea what my next job would be, or how long we would be able to stay in MA. Turns out, both of those things worked out better than I ever could have imagined. Also, while I was in Thailand, I didn't know what was going to happen with my family. And while we are a private bunch, the fact of the matter is that my father's depression and his well-intentioned mistakes have played themselves out in a very public way, and the sacred half-shell that seemed to encompass my family (much like the ones that encompass statues of Mary in the neighborhood where I work) has cracked and shattered and been reduced to a fine dusty powder which has then been snorted and has then caused a dramatic overdose complete with the foaming at the mouth and the eyes rolling into the back of the head and the convulsing.
I think you catch my drift.
However, as much as we are a private bunch, we are also a stubborn and strong bunch, and we march doggedly through any obstacles in our path. And my time in Thailand taught me everything about acceptance, and really, that's all you can do sometimes. Just breathe.....and accept.
So......I clearly have a lot to say. However, this space now feels like it belongs to the Brooke who lived in Asia, who didn't quite know how the story would end, whose head spun with the absolute devouring of details and the crafting of descriptions and the questioning of identity and the wrestling of demons and the infatuation with cultures and languages and ways of being in the world that were so different from her own. And while I like to think that that Brooke played it fairly close to the chest on this here blog, there is still soooooo much more to the story, and it wouldn't have been appropriate to share my personal, familial, and professional struggles in such a public way at the time.
And I will tell that story all in good time. This summer I plan on having my Virginia Woolf moment (minus the suicide) and I shall go out and find a room of my own in which to write, write, write. It may lead to nothing but frustration and the drinking of copious amounts of whiskey, it may lead to something that I might someday share with my children (if they're well-behaved), or it may lead to something that I plan on sharing with the world.
In any case, my time blogging here is over. In all honesty, the blog never felt quite the same after I left Thailand, but I wasn't quite ready to say goodbye yet. This blog provided me with a tremendous amount of comfort, and was an excellent outlet for my joys. Thank you to those of you who read it faithfully (there were at least five of you!!) and shared your thoughts.
I may return to blogging one day, but if I do, it will be in a new format and perhaps with a new address (but probably not a new title.....I am *totally* the milkman's daughter.....).
I would like to dedicate the entirety of this blog to my sister Molly. I know that I posted some things on here that upset you, and for that I sincerely apologize. You always supported me and my writing, and I am so grateful that you came and visited and helped me get organized and we got to spend time on that beautiful, beautiful beach. I'm also so glad that we have woven an ironclad camaraderie out of difficult circumstances, and while I never would have imagined that you would one day be a kindred spirit during our many hair-pulling/clawing matches that we had as kids (and, um, occasionally as adults....), well, it is clear that life is just full of surprises.....pleasant and unpleasant. I love you!
Sawadeeka!!
xoxoxoxo,
Brooke
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
New Year, New Everything
Wow.....it's been two months since my last post! Anyone out there??? Ah well....this poor, neglected space....here's the summary of my last two months:
-Work
-Sleep
-Peter
-Holidays in MN and WI with the family
-Catching up with friends (slowly)
-More work
So there you have it. In any case, I have decided to ring in 2010 with a New Year's meme. The last time I did this was at the very beginning of 2008, and I couldn't help but giggle a little when I copied at pasted it from my Livejournal site. Here is the last one that I did, and WOW, it is amusing how absolutely everything in my life is different. 2009 was INTENSE. There were a lot of experiences, a lot of changes, and there was a lot of work jammed into a very small space. The world at large also seemed somewhat disjointed....there were a lot of strange shifts, a lot of sad moments, and there seemed to be a sort of general malaise. I think the planet just crawled into its sweatpants and ate a gallon of chocolate chip ice cream in front of infomercials for that entire year, while its citizens scrambled to right themselves on their own axes. It all seems a bit surreal now as I look back on it from my current space of comfortable routines and immersion in the familiar. In any case, here's Everything You Wanted to Know about my 2009. Enjoy.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Put the finishing touches on a preschool program that I designed myself, recovered from an elephant-related injury, said goodbye to my grandfather over the phone before he passed away, ate chicken feet, visited Halong Bay and Hong Kong and Luang Prabang, moved in with my boyfriend, taught kindergarten, threw an engagement party, learned how to organize my home and work environments, became organized, completed therapy, set achievable goals.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Again, my constant resolution is to floss daily. This still needs work. The resolutions that I wrote down for this year were simply this: Teaching. Writing. Loving. Accepting....and flossing.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, surprisingly enough.....
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandfather died. My friend Max passed away in the later part of 2008.
5. What countries did you visit?
Thailand (obvs)....but within Thailand I visited Phuket, Chiang Mai, and Ayutthaya. Vietnam (twice), Cambodia (twice...once to visit Siem Reap, and once for a farewell tour of Phnom Penh), Hong Kong, Laos (Luang Prabang), Burma, and China (if you count the airport).
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
During the first half of 2009 I did not have a solid community of friends, family, and coworkers surrounding me at all times. I am (re)building that slowly now--a process which began in the second half of 2009.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I can't remember the exact date at the moment, but my grandfather died in February a few days before my 29th birthday. My last day with the preschoolers was June 5th, my last day of work was July 15th, and I returned home from Thailand on July 29th. I moved in with Peter on August 21st, and started my new job on August 24th.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I would say that completing my contract in Thailand was an achievement of epic proportions. I don't think I'll ever be able to appropriately express the superhuman effort that took.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Oh my...where to begin?? Part of venturing out and starting something on your own is that you are bound to make mistakes, do stupid stuff, and bang your head against the wall repeatedly while you wonder how it is, exactly, that you are able to tie your own shoes or dress yourself successfully each day. I had many moments where I felt way in over my head, where I was set up for failure, and where professional feedback/criticism turned personal. It comes with the territory...when you don't yet have systems in place to troubleshoot....when you are, in fact, the one putting those systems in place while finding yourself suddenly riddled with self-doubt....when you don't have any support or allies....yeah. There were a lot of difficult moments that felt like tremendous failures.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I managed to stay remarkably healthy in 2009. However, I did suffer a bad sprained foot while attempting the Advanced Dismount from the hind end of an elephant. The injury occurred in 2008, but it was still healing in 2009.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
That's tricky! The Buddhas and beautiful carved apsara from Cambodia....the jade and lacquer from Burma....the pearls and aventurine dragon from Hong Kong....the art and silks from Vietnam....the textiles and handmade journals from Laos...the jewelry boxes and clothing and shell necklaces and DVDs and shoes and elephants and wall hangings from Thailand......
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My kindergarteners. They are a teacher's dream.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Ha ha....y'know, I think I'm going to go ahead and stay mum on that one.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Paying off debt (which I finally did!!), shipping gazillions of boxes back from Thailand, and buying winter clothes after two years in a tropical climate.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving in with Peter. It has really been amazing. I would also have to say my current job. I truly love this school and this grade level!
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
There are four: Mountain Hare Krishna by Krishna Das (that brought me down from the ledge many times), New Soul by Yael Naim, The Book of Love by Magnetic Fields, and Chasing Pavements by Adele.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
SIGNIFICANTLY happier. This time last year was somewhat traumatic and unsettled. A bunch of CRAZY happened all at once...friendship "break-ups," and friends in Bangkok returning to the U.S., resulting in a lot of solitude...other various clusterf***s (the details of which I can tell you about over drinks sometime, but not here), saying goodbye to Peter for another six month stretch, a logistical slip-up on my end that resulted in all kinds of visa and work permit complications. I know it sounds cheesy (but, if you've been reading this for awhile, you're used to a little cheese), but this time last year tested my strength and built it all at once, and everything since then has been peaceful and joyous. My mental house shifted on its foundation, and now everything is different.
b) thinner or fatter?
Fatter, but that is a good thing. I was rather emaciated for my last six months in Thailand. I think I tipped the scales at about 100 lbs. when I left. Yeesh. Part of it was the diet (spicy food+green tea=weight loss), part of it was work stress (I'm what you might call a "stress non-eater")....none of it was intentional.
c) richer or poorer?
Richer. I am making more money and have way less debt...just some remaining student loans.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
In Asia: Travel in Thailand itself. Don't get me wrong, I did a fair amount of travel in Thailand, but I also spent a lot of time visiting countries outside of Thailand. It's hard--when you have limited free/vacation time, and there are so many incredible things to see within your reach, it gets difficult to pick and choose. In the US: Spent more time with friends. I've had a really hard time striking an appropriate work-life balance as I grapple with a new school and a new grade level.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Beating myself up. I was absolutely merciless on myself this year. However, I learned from it, so never again.........
20. How did you spend Christmas?
I went to Minneapolis where I spent time with my family and Peter's family. My nieces are getting so big now, and we had a blast playing with the Wii and coloring. Peter and I escaped to Eagle River, WI over New Year's. There WAS running water, and there WAS NOT any vomiting. Yay.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I would say I definitely fell more deeply in love.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
2009 was definitely a big year for purchasing pirated DVDs from my favorite street vendor, who always gave me a fantastic deal, willingly re-burnt (is that a word??) discs that didn't work properly, and politely flipped down the porn display while I perused the DVD selections. I watched a lot of Six Feet Under, Big Love, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, America's Next Top Model, Ugly Betty, 30 Rock, Brothers and Sisters, The Tudors.....Good Lord, I'm not quite sure how I managed to watch all of those DVDs and still accomplish everything else that I did!
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No. Hate consumes too much energy. It's not a feeling that comes naturally to me.
24. What was the best book you read?
I read a lot of books about Buddhism, and about teaching. For the former, I loved Taming the Tiger Within by Thich Nhat Hanh. For the latter, I love Teaching Other People's Children (about teaching Haitian-American students, a group which constitutes the majority of my school's population) by Cynthia Ballenger.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Krishna Das.
26. What did you want and get?
A wonderful new job.
27. What did you want and not get?
My MA teaching license. I'm working on it now, but it has been a series of insane and fiery hoops to jump through!
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
This movie came out in 2008, but I didn't see it until 2009: Slumdog Millionaire.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was grieving the loss of my grandfather. I took myself shopping, and treated myself to chocolate from my favorite chocolate shop. I turned 29. That already feels like a lifetime ago!
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Again, that's something that we can talk about over drinks sometime.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
All of my clothes became way too big for me, so I would say "baggy." I was also really into the big jewelry, silver bracelets, oversized purses, ballet flats, stretchy headbands, cute dresses (usually handmade!), tank tops with spaghetti straps, and t-shirts with fun slogans on them. I also started wearing heels more often, especially with skinny jeans. A lot of those heels have ended up in my closet, but I think it's high time I resurrect some of the Bangkok fashion sense. Currently I would say that my 2010 fashion concept is boring. I look the part of a kindergarten teacher. That simply cannot do......
32. What kept you sane?
Peter, Peter, Peter. Peter. And Peter some more. Also, writing.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
This is my response from 2007, and it remains the same: Angelina Jolie. She is the most beautiful human being on the planet (in my humble opinion).
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
I got really fired up about the corrupt and evil military government in Burma this year. I did a lot of reading and research, and it's a cause I will continue to support forever.
35. Who did you miss?
This is also my response from 2007:EVERYONE EVERYONE EVERYONE. The list is long when you are far away. In 2009 I especially missed my Phoenix friends after Max's death.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
All of my new coworkers! I am part of a phenomenal community of educators. Also, J., Andrew's boyfriend. I heart him.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
There are a few: 1.) You can't spend your valuable time and energy worrying what other people think of you. Once you make that decision, life becomes much more enjoyable.
2.) Meditation is necessary for my health and happiness. 3.) Being a teacher is truly intellectual, Truly Honorable work, and it doesn't matter if others don't feel that way. 4.) It is pointless to carry around anger. 5.) It is pointless to worry about things that you can't control. Or, for that matter, things that you can control. It is just plain pointless to worry. 6.) Life happens in the present moment. Stay present, and connect with your breath when you find yourself out of the present moment. 7.) Always stay calm. No matter what. There is no situation ever that either warrants hasty words and/or actions, or benefits from them. 8.) Kindergarten is heaven (well, once you get past the first few weeks).
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Don't Worry, Be Happy.
-Work
-Sleep
-Peter
-Holidays in MN and WI with the family
-Catching up with friends (slowly)
-More work
So there you have it. In any case, I have decided to ring in 2010 with a New Year's meme. The last time I did this was at the very beginning of 2008, and I couldn't help but giggle a little when I copied at pasted it from my Livejournal site. Here is the last one that I did, and WOW, it is amusing how absolutely everything in my life is different. 2009 was INTENSE. There were a lot of experiences, a lot of changes, and there was a lot of work jammed into a very small space. The world at large also seemed somewhat disjointed....there were a lot of strange shifts, a lot of sad moments, and there seemed to be a sort of general malaise. I think the planet just crawled into its sweatpants and ate a gallon of chocolate chip ice cream in front of infomercials for that entire year, while its citizens scrambled to right themselves on their own axes. It all seems a bit surreal now as I look back on it from my current space of comfortable routines and immersion in the familiar. In any case, here's Everything You Wanted to Know about my 2009. Enjoy.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Put the finishing touches on a preschool program that I designed myself, recovered from an elephant-related injury, said goodbye to my grandfather over the phone before he passed away, ate chicken feet, visited Halong Bay and Hong Kong and Luang Prabang, moved in with my boyfriend, taught kindergarten, threw an engagement party, learned how to organize my home and work environments, became organized, completed therapy, set achievable goals.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Again, my constant resolution is to floss daily. This still needs work. The resolutions that I wrote down for this year were simply this: Teaching. Writing. Loving. Accepting....and flossing.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, surprisingly enough.....
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandfather died. My friend Max passed away in the later part of 2008.
5. What countries did you visit?
Thailand (obvs)....but within Thailand I visited Phuket, Chiang Mai, and Ayutthaya. Vietnam (twice), Cambodia (twice...once to visit Siem Reap, and once for a farewell tour of Phnom Penh), Hong Kong, Laos (Luang Prabang), Burma, and China (if you count the airport).
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
During the first half of 2009 I did not have a solid community of friends, family, and coworkers surrounding me at all times. I am (re)building that slowly now--a process which began in the second half of 2009.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I can't remember the exact date at the moment, but my grandfather died in February a few days before my 29th birthday. My last day with the preschoolers was June 5th, my last day of work was July 15th, and I returned home from Thailand on July 29th. I moved in with Peter on August 21st, and started my new job on August 24th.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I would say that completing my contract in Thailand was an achievement of epic proportions. I don't think I'll ever be able to appropriately express the superhuman effort that took.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Oh my...where to begin?? Part of venturing out and starting something on your own is that you are bound to make mistakes, do stupid stuff, and bang your head against the wall repeatedly while you wonder how it is, exactly, that you are able to tie your own shoes or dress yourself successfully each day. I had many moments where I felt way in over my head, where I was set up for failure, and where professional feedback/criticism turned personal. It comes with the territory...when you don't yet have systems in place to troubleshoot....when you are, in fact, the one putting those systems in place while finding yourself suddenly riddled with self-doubt....when you don't have any support or allies....yeah. There were a lot of difficult moments that felt like tremendous failures.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I managed to stay remarkably healthy in 2009. However, I did suffer a bad sprained foot while attempting the Advanced Dismount from the hind end of an elephant. The injury occurred in 2008, but it was still healing in 2009.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
That's tricky! The Buddhas and beautiful carved apsara from Cambodia....the jade and lacquer from Burma....the pearls and aventurine dragon from Hong Kong....the art and silks from Vietnam....the textiles and handmade journals from Laos...the jewelry boxes and clothing and shell necklaces and DVDs and shoes and elephants and wall hangings from Thailand......
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My kindergarteners. They are a teacher's dream.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Ha ha....y'know, I think I'm going to go ahead and stay mum on that one.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Paying off debt (which I finally did!!), shipping gazillions of boxes back from Thailand, and buying winter clothes after two years in a tropical climate.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving in with Peter. It has really been amazing. I would also have to say my current job. I truly love this school and this grade level!
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
There are four: Mountain Hare Krishna by Krishna Das (that brought me down from the ledge many times), New Soul by Yael Naim, The Book of Love by Magnetic Fields, and Chasing Pavements by Adele.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
SIGNIFICANTLY happier. This time last year was somewhat traumatic and unsettled. A bunch of CRAZY happened all at once...friendship "break-ups," and friends in Bangkok returning to the U.S., resulting in a lot of solitude...other various clusterf***s (the details of which I can tell you about over drinks sometime, but not here), saying goodbye to Peter for another six month stretch, a logistical slip-up on my end that resulted in all kinds of visa and work permit complications. I know it sounds cheesy (but, if you've been reading this for awhile, you're used to a little cheese), but this time last year tested my strength and built it all at once, and everything since then has been peaceful and joyous. My mental house shifted on its foundation, and now everything is different.
b) thinner or fatter?
Fatter, but that is a good thing. I was rather emaciated for my last six months in Thailand. I think I tipped the scales at about 100 lbs. when I left. Yeesh. Part of it was the diet (spicy food+green tea=weight loss), part of it was work stress (I'm what you might call a "stress non-eater")....none of it was intentional.
c) richer or poorer?
Richer. I am making more money and have way less debt...just some remaining student loans.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
In Asia: Travel in Thailand itself. Don't get me wrong, I did a fair amount of travel in Thailand, but I also spent a lot of time visiting countries outside of Thailand. It's hard--when you have limited free/vacation time, and there are so many incredible things to see within your reach, it gets difficult to pick and choose. In the US: Spent more time with friends. I've had a really hard time striking an appropriate work-life balance as I grapple with a new school and a new grade level.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Beating myself up. I was absolutely merciless on myself this year. However, I learned from it, so never again.........
20. How did you spend Christmas?
I went to Minneapolis where I spent time with my family and Peter's family. My nieces are getting so big now, and we had a blast playing with the Wii and coloring. Peter and I escaped to Eagle River, WI over New Year's. There WAS running water, and there WAS NOT any vomiting. Yay.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I would say I definitely fell more deeply in love.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
2009 was definitely a big year for purchasing pirated DVDs from my favorite street vendor, who always gave me a fantastic deal, willingly re-burnt (is that a word??) discs that didn't work properly, and politely flipped down the porn display while I perused the DVD selections. I watched a lot of Six Feet Under, Big Love, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, America's Next Top Model, Ugly Betty, 30 Rock, Brothers and Sisters, The Tudors.....Good Lord, I'm not quite sure how I managed to watch all of those DVDs and still accomplish everything else that I did!
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No. Hate consumes too much energy. It's not a feeling that comes naturally to me.
24. What was the best book you read?
I read a lot of books about Buddhism, and about teaching. For the former, I loved Taming the Tiger Within by Thich Nhat Hanh. For the latter, I love Teaching Other People's Children (about teaching Haitian-American students, a group which constitutes the majority of my school's population) by Cynthia Ballenger.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Krishna Das.
26. What did you want and get?
A wonderful new job.
27. What did you want and not get?
My MA teaching license. I'm working on it now, but it has been a series of insane and fiery hoops to jump through!
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
This movie came out in 2008, but I didn't see it until 2009: Slumdog Millionaire.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was grieving the loss of my grandfather. I took myself shopping, and treated myself to chocolate from my favorite chocolate shop. I turned 29. That already feels like a lifetime ago!
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Again, that's something that we can talk about over drinks sometime.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
All of my clothes became way too big for me, so I would say "baggy." I was also really into the big jewelry, silver bracelets, oversized purses, ballet flats, stretchy headbands, cute dresses (usually handmade!), tank tops with spaghetti straps, and t-shirts with fun slogans on them. I also started wearing heels more often, especially with skinny jeans. A lot of those heels have ended up in my closet, but I think it's high time I resurrect some of the Bangkok fashion sense. Currently I would say that my 2010 fashion concept is boring. I look the part of a kindergarten teacher. That simply cannot do......
32. What kept you sane?
Peter, Peter, Peter. Peter. And Peter some more. Also, writing.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
This is my response from 2007, and it remains the same: Angelina Jolie. She is the most beautiful human being on the planet (in my humble opinion).
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
I got really fired up about the corrupt and evil military government in Burma this year. I did a lot of reading and research, and it's a cause I will continue to support forever.
35. Who did you miss?
This is also my response from 2007:EVERYONE EVERYONE EVERYONE. The list is long when you are far away. In 2009 I especially missed my Phoenix friends after Max's death.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
All of my new coworkers! I am part of a phenomenal community of educators. Also, J., Andrew's boyfriend. I heart him.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
There are a few: 1.) You can't spend your valuable time and energy worrying what other people think of you. Once you make that decision, life becomes much more enjoyable.
2.) Meditation is necessary for my health and happiness. 3.) Being a teacher is truly intellectual, Truly Honorable work, and it doesn't matter if others don't feel that way. 4.) It is pointless to carry around anger. 5.) It is pointless to worry about things that you can't control. Or, for that matter, things that you can control. It is just plain pointless to worry. 6.) Life happens in the present moment. Stay present, and connect with your breath when you find yourself out of the present moment. 7.) Always stay calm. No matter what. There is no situation ever that either warrants hasty words and/or actions, or benefits from them. 8.) Kindergarten is heaven (well, once you get past the first few weeks).
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Don't Worry, Be Happy.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Domestic Goddess
I've never considered myself to be a domestic being...a homebody, yes, at times....but generally I was quite comfortable with that home having piles of laundry and books scattered everywhere and maybe the occasional dirty dish in the sink (one thing that I've always had a hard time tolerating, however, is the dust bunny...death to all dust bunnies! Moving on....). After living for the past two years in a space that never felt like mine (and I was frequently reminded of the fact that it WASN'T mine), having a nest is now important to me. And while I don't necessarily feel like Peter's apartment is mine either, I DO find myself carving out little cozy corners that are all mine.
It is surprising to me that certain aesthetic things bother me now, like piles of random clutter, or mismatching silverware, or the random packs of sesame crackers in the living room. However, I think the biggest surprise for me now is learning that I enjoy cooking. It's never something that I have been particularly good at, or really had any sort of desire to learn how to do. Like, AT ALL. But now that I coexist with someone whose appetite is enormous (as is his appreciation for any sort of thing that I whip up in the kitchen), I find cooking to be enjoyable and relaxing, especially since Peter frequently insists on doing the cleaning afterward :).
In the past few weeks I have tackled dishes like chicken enchiladas, penne a la vodka, pumpkin bars with cream cheese frosting, and frosted lemon sugar cookies. This weekend Peter's brother is visiting us, and we had an amazing breakfast of challa bread that he brought us from New York City, and eggs that Peter scrambled with cheese and onion. Our "weekend coffee" ritual involves beans that we grind ourselves and put in the French press. It is potent and delicious, and I look forward to it all week.
At the moment Peter and his brother are at Trader Joe's purchasing the ingredients for pumpkin soup, curried couscous, a broccoli cheese casserole, and another batch of the frosted lemon sugar cookies that I plan on making today, right after taking a rainy afternoon run.
So while the changes that I am experiencing now are not as grandiose and ground-breaking and somehow exotic as those that I experienced in Asia, it's still nice to grow in small, unexpected, and occasionally delicious ways.
Does anyone have any recipes for me to try??
It is surprising to me that certain aesthetic things bother me now, like piles of random clutter, or mismatching silverware, or the random packs of sesame crackers in the living room. However, I think the biggest surprise for me now is learning that I enjoy cooking. It's never something that I have been particularly good at, or really had any sort of desire to learn how to do. Like, AT ALL. But now that I coexist with someone whose appetite is enormous (as is his appreciation for any sort of thing that I whip up in the kitchen), I find cooking to be enjoyable and relaxing, especially since Peter frequently insists on doing the cleaning afterward :).
In the past few weeks I have tackled dishes like chicken enchiladas, penne a la vodka, pumpkin bars with cream cheese frosting, and frosted lemon sugar cookies. This weekend Peter's brother is visiting us, and we had an amazing breakfast of challa bread that he brought us from New York City, and eggs that Peter scrambled with cheese and onion. Our "weekend coffee" ritual involves beans that we grind ourselves and put in the French press. It is potent and delicious, and I look forward to it all week.
At the moment Peter and his brother are at Trader Joe's purchasing the ingredients for pumpkin soup, curried couscous, a broccoli cheese casserole, and another batch of the frosted lemon sugar cookies that I plan on making today, right after taking a rainy afternoon run.
So while the changes that I am experiencing now are not as grandiose and ground-breaking and somehow exotic as those that I experienced in Asia, it's still nice to grow in small, unexpected, and occasionally delicious ways.
Does anyone have any recipes for me to try??
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Hong Kong
I never had the chance to write about Hong Kong, which was one of my favorite cities, and so......
Hong Kong had a very different energy than the slow buzz of Southeast Asian cities. It had tall buildings and tidy traffic and neon signs and streets free of both trash and the choking scent of burning coals cooking sidewalk satay. The locals there walked quickly down the sidewalks (in STARK contrast to Bangkok) and were snazzy dressers. The April air was chilly and damp, and the shopping there was exquisite--antiques and stones and pearls and high fashion and SHOES GALORE.
My trip was made extra special thanks to friends of Peter's who live there. E. and Peter studied abroad together in Germany, and his lovely wife and daughter wined and dined me and showed me the time of my life. We met up the first night and went to Kowloon where they snapped pictures of me by the harbor. We went out for Korean barbecue and TWO desserts--one place specialized in a flavored shaved ice that had the texture of crisp ice cream, and the other place specialized in durian pastries. They told me all about life in Hong Kong, and how a lot of the expat population had cleared out as a result of the economic downturn, as Hong Kong took a rather severe hit. I also found it interesting that if parents wanted to enroll their children in international schools (which is the trend all across Asia, for better or worse), they had to first be affiliated with a church. It was an evening of stimulating conversation and delectable food, and I was so so so happy.
My guest house was rather modest, as the cost of accommodations in Hong Kong was RIDICULOUS. It was a tiny box with a rock hard bed, but luckily I was only there to sleep. The next day I got coffee and pastries at a bakery around the corner and wrote for a few hours. Then I was off to see the city--Hollywood Road where I browsed antiques, taking the Lonely Planet walking tour to the Tao temple at the top of the hill, purchasing communist paraphinalia for Andrew, riding a Star Ferry across the harbor to Kowloon, and purchasing pearls and gemstones and aventurine dragons at the Jade Market. The public transportation was quick and clean and silent, and aside from getting drenched in the evening rain, it was the perfect day. I met up with E. and S. again that night, and they took me to an amaaaaaazing Chinese restaurant. After dinner they took me to their condo in Repulse Bay, and we picked up their delicious doll of a daughter, who taught me a new song about traffic lights (which I then taught to my preschoolers) and we talked about our favorite stories. I borrowed a warm pink trench coat from S., and their daughter wore a matching one. We went up to the Victoria lookout and saw the luminous views of the harbor at night. The buildings were works of art--their reflections forming mini-galaxies in the dark pupil of the harbor. The night was cold and misty, and I felt like a model in a photo shoot as E. took picture after picture of me with the harbor as my backdrop. We ate dessert--profiteroles and molten chocolate cake and ice cream--in a restaurant filled with fairy lights that looked like something out of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
The next morning I had the most delicious mango bubble tea known to man (I have officially been spoiled and bubble tea anywhere other than Rabbit Cafe in Hong Kong is inadequate), and I was off to explore Central Hong Kong. The buildings all had unique stories (including one that was dubbed the "House of 1,000 assholes" due to its windows, which resembled ship portholes), and the park in the middle of it all was a haven for people watching. I met up with E. and S. for another delicious lunch of dim sum (there was an HOUR wait for this restaurant!). I tried chicken feet and had the best pork buns ever. We then went for a drive back to Repulse Bay and visited a famous hotel with a big square cut out of it (for Feng Shui purposes), and soaked in the view of the bay. Hong Kong has a multitude of surprisingly lush green spaces, though they come with an overwhelming price tag. We then wove our way over to Stanley to visit the famous Stanley Market. I purchased some art as gifts, and marveled at the price of pearls. We stopped for treats at a local bakery and then my new friends graciously drove me to the airport.
I was really sad to leave. I had been used to taking trips by myself, and while I certainly love traveling on my own, it was nice to be around kind, smart people who really showed off their city and took me to places where I would not have gone on my own. It was also nice to have someone taking pictures of me instead of having to ask the occasional random (and non-English-speaking) stranger. Their hospitality meant so much to me in a time when I had so many isolated moments, and struggled to find a community, and ate so many dinners alone.
It was a fabulous trip!
Hong Kong had a very different energy than the slow buzz of Southeast Asian cities. It had tall buildings and tidy traffic and neon signs and streets free of both trash and the choking scent of burning coals cooking sidewalk satay. The locals there walked quickly down the sidewalks (in STARK contrast to Bangkok) and were snazzy dressers. The April air was chilly and damp, and the shopping there was exquisite--antiques and stones and pearls and high fashion and SHOES GALORE.
My trip was made extra special thanks to friends of Peter's who live there. E. and Peter studied abroad together in Germany, and his lovely wife and daughter wined and dined me and showed me the time of my life. We met up the first night and went to Kowloon where they snapped pictures of me by the harbor. We went out for Korean barbecue and TWO desserts--one place specialized in a flavored shaved ice that had the texture of crisp ice cream, and the other place specialized in durian pastries. They told me all about life in Hong Kong, and how a lot of the expat population had cleared out as a result of the economic downturn, as Hong Kong took a rather severe hit. I also found it interesting that if parents wanted to enroll their children in international schools (which is the trend all across Asia, for better or worse), they had to first be affiliated with a church. It was an evening of stimulating conversation and delectable food, and I was so so so happy.
My guest house was rather modest, as the cost of accommodations in Hong Kong was RIDICULOUS. It was a tiny box with a rock hard bed, but luckily I was only there to sleep. The next day I got coffee and pastries at a bakery around the corner and wrote for a few hours. Then I was off to see the city--Hollywood Road where I browsed antiques, taking the Lonely Planet walking tour to the Tao temple at the top of the hill, purchasing communist paraphinalia for Andrew, riding a Star Ferry across the harbor to Kowloon, and purchasing pearls and gemstones and aventurine dragons at the Jade Market. The public transportation was quick and clean and silent, and aside from getting drenched in the evening rain, it was the perfect day. I met up with E. and S. again that night, and they took me to an amaaaaaazing Chinese restaurant. After dinner they took me to their condo in Repulse Bay, and we picked up their delicious doll of a daughter, who taught me a new song about traffic lights (which I then taught to my preschoolers) and we talked about our favorite stories. I borrowed a warm pink trench coat from S., and their daughter wore a matching one. We went up to the Victoria lookout and saw the luminous views of the harbor at night. The buildings were works of art--their reflections forming mini-galaxies in the dark pupil of the harbor. The night was cold and misty, and I felt like a model in a photo shoot as E. took picture after picture of me with the harbor as my backdrop. We ate dessert--profiteroles and molten chocolate cake and ice cream--in a restaurant filled with fairy lights that looked like something out of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
The next morning I had the most delicious mango bubble tea known to man (I have officially been spoiled and bubble tea anywhere other than Rabbit Cafe in Hong Kong is inadequate), and I was off to explore Central Hong Kong. The buildings all had unique stories (including one that was dubbed the "House of 1,000 assholes" due to its windows, which resembled ship portholes), and the park in the middle of it all was a haven for people watching. I met up with E. and S. for another delicious lunch of dim sum (there was an HOUR wait for this restaurant!). I tried chicken feet and had the best pork buns ever. We then went for a drive back to Repulse Bay and visited a famous hotel with a big square cut out of it (for Feng Shui purposes), and soaked in the view of the bay. Hong Kong has a multitude of surprisingly lush green spaces, though they come with an overwhelming price tag. We then wove our way over to Stanley to visit the famous Stanley Market. I purchased some art as gifts, and marveled at the price of pearls. We stopped for treats at a local bakery and then my new friends graciously drove me to the airport.
I was really sad to leave. I had been used to taking trips by myself, and while I certainly love traveling on my own, it was nice to be around kind, smart people who really showed off their city and took me to places where I would not have gone on my own. It was also nice to have someone taking pictures of me instead of having to ask the occasional random (and non-English-speaking) stranger. Their hospitality meant so much to me in a time when I had so many isolated moments, and struggled to find a community, and ate so many dinners alone.
It was a fabulous trip!
Monday, November 9, 2009
All Good Things
Things that are rocking my world right now:
*Teaching!! I love love LOVE teaching kindergarten! My Superstars are the most delicious morsels of human beings....we're going to go far this year!
*Running. Cambridge has some lovely sidewalks littered with crunchy autumn leaves. Evening and weekend runs are heaven.
*Broccoli cheddar soup and pumpkin soup from Au Bon Pain.
*French press coffee on weekend mornings.
*Homemade pumpkin bars, recipe courtesy of foodnetwork.com.
*Cranberry wine from the Three Lakes Winery in Wisconsin.
*Trader Joe's. Words cannot express how much I missed Trader Joe's while living in Bangkok!
*Fast Food Nation. I may be a bit behind the times, as this book has been around for some time....however, I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it.
*My Fake Uggs from Target.
*
*Teaching!! I love love LOVE teaching kindergarten! My Superstars are the most delicious morsels of human beings....we're going to go far this year!
*Running. Cambridge has some lovely sidewalks littered with crunchy autumn leaves. Evening and weekend runs are heaven.
*Broccoli cheddar soup and pumpkin soup from Au Bon Pain.
*French press coffee on weekend mornings.
*Homemade pumpkin bars, recipe courtesy of foodnetwork.com.
*Cranberry wine from the Three Lakes Winery in Wisconsin.
*Trader Joe's. Words cannot express how much I missed Trader Joe's while living in Bangkok!
*Fast Food Nation. I may be a bit behind the times, as this book has been around for some time....however, I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it.
*My Fake Uggs from Target.
*
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Return
Wow....it has been over two months since I have blogged! The space here feels like it actually belongs to someone else. So much has changed since I left Asia at the end of July! I have a job that I love, Peter and I are now happily living together, and I am beginning the slow work of getting back in touch with friends and family while my brain begins to process the last two years away.
I didn't think I wanted to continue blogging after I left Asia, since, well, my life is certainly not as exciting as it was over there. I most definitely yearn for my weekend jaunts to Burma, and haggling over jade elephants in markets, and buying strings of pearls without blinking an eye, and watching sunsets at temples. My camera is taking a well-deserved vacation, and I am trying to finish writing in my journal about trips that were not fully documented before they disappear into the abyss of anything that is outside of my present thoughts, wonderings, and work.
But, well, I realized that I missed blogging. Even though there may no longer be anyone listening due to my extended absence, I feel as though I have a lot from those two years that I still need to process, still need to document, and would still love to share with others. I have also realized that I need more in my life right now than just work and sleep. Don't get me wrong....my life right now feels full and busy and peaceful, and BURSTING with people and love and new ambitions. The peace of mind that I have now would not have been possible without the hard mental and emotional work that I did in Asia, and a bit of the Buddhist peace, the appreciation for the present, and the lack of hyper-focused tunnel vision that I found there has stayed with me. However, there were also many painful events and situations over there that my brain is now feeling safe enough to work through.
When Peter and I woke up this morning and went about our delicious weekend rituals, he told me that I seemed more Zen. Less overwhelmed by life and the universe and the scrambling logistics of adapting to an entirely new living and work situation after having been immersed in such a unique and different culture for two years. I feel more Zen. I feel present and awake and thoroughly satisfied, but it has definitely been an interesting adjustment period.
And so.....in honor of it being NaBloPoMo (though I don't think I will ever put myself through that in any sort of official capacity again...sheesh...) I officially resurrect my blog.
I didn't think I wanted to continue blogging after I left Asia, since, well, my life is certainly not as exciting as it was over there. I most definitely yearn for my weekend jaunts to Burma, and haggling over jade elephants in markets, and buying strings of pearls without blinking an eye, and watching sunsets at temples. My camera is taking a well-deserved vacation, and I am trying to finish writing in my journal about trips that were not fully documented before they disappear into the abyss of anything that is outside of my present thoughts, wonderings, and work.
But, well, I realized that I missed blogging. Even though there may no longer be anyone listening due to my extended absence, I feel as though I have a lot from those two years that I still need to process, still need to document, and would still love to share with others. I have also realized that I need more in my life right now than just work and sleep. Don't get me wrong....my life right now feels full and busy and peaceful, and BURSTING with people and love and new ambitions. The peace of mind that I have now would not have been possible without the hard mental and emotional work that I did in Asia, and a bit of the Buddhist peace, the appreciation for the present, and the lack of hyper-focused tunnel vision that I found there has stayed with me. However, there were also many painful events and situations over there that my brain is now feeling safe enough to work through.
When Peter and I woke up this morning and went about our delicious weekend rituals, he told me that I seemed more Zen. Less overwhelmed by life and the universe and the scrambling logistics of adapting to an entirely new living and work situation after having been immersed in such a unique and different culture for two years. I feel more Zen. I feel present and awake and thoroughly satisfied, but it has definitely been an interesting adjustment period.
And so.....in honor of it being NaBloPoMo (though I don't think I will ever put myself through that in any sort of official capacity again...sheesh...) I officially resurrect my blog.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Whereupon I do not have the opportunity to add "Beekeeper" to my resume.....
I spent the last two days in Boston where I had two job interviews. I accepted a job and am therefore ecstatic to report that I will be gainfully employed for the 2009-2010 school year. I returned back to Minnesota yesterday and proceeded to slip in and out of consciousness for the next 6 hours. It was an exhausting time in Boston, full of lots of tough decisions, intensive scoping out of Peter's bachelor pad to determine where I will be putting my stuff, and one verrrrry long drive to check out a school where I ultimately declined their (totally awesome and stellar) offer. The best part, of course, was catching up with my bestest friend and gay husband, Andrew. Our friendship picked up where it left off, though clearly we have both grown significantly wiser in the three years since we lived in Phoenix (and somehow we've also gotten better looking....:) ), a statement which can be corroborated by the fact that the evening didn't end with me cradling my head in my hands to keep the world from spinning while we discuss Jungian archetypes or read passages from Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Yup. We used to be *those* people, and probably still are.....
I am tremendously excited about the year ahead, and I know it will be truly awesome. I feel so good about all of the decisions that I have made up to this point in my life, and I now feel ready to attack this next portion of my adulthood as I settle down with the love of my life, and get all of my ducks in a row to prepare for several new chapters in my professional life.
In other news, I ate a McFlurry and some Easy Mac for dinner tonight, and my stomach is having as hard of a time readjusting to food in the U.S. as it did adjusting to the food/water in Thailand. Granted, there are no parasites involved at this point, but still.
The world is incredibly different to me now. I guess it takes coming back to realize how much you've changed, how the old benchmarks by which you measured your existence or guaged your neuroses are no longer relevant. And I had remained so present in my experience and my life in Thailand, particularly during the last six months, that I sort of forgot about my frame of reference in the U.S. This isn't to say that I forgot about the people that I love here, or that I somehow lost myself. It's just that I became completely absorbed in these places, these cultures, and in my role as observer. It was a tremendously quiet time for me wherein I spent a lot of time contemplating and meditating and just watching (hence part of the reason why my blog went semi-neglected for so long). I was writing, but mainly in my pen and paper journal that was colored with ticket stubs and postcards and other assorted memorabilia. It was a respite, a retreat, and it was certainly not without its ups and downs. But it is astounding to me how thoroughly transformed I feel as I emerge from the other side of it all.
I miss Asia tremendously. TREMENDOUSLY. I think about my experiences there frequently, and I will still plan on writing about them here and in my journals. I am working on a memoir, but it may end up being something that is only for my eyes. We shall see. And obviously I gained a ton in my two years, and I have the Buddhas and stones and pearls and scarves and elephants and silk photo albums and fabulous clothes to prove it. And seriously, try not to vomit when I say this (no, you're gonna have to try pretty hard.....), but I think I will remember that time mostly in what I left behind. That is to say, there was a TON of demon wrestling that went on over there (which I didn't really write about on here, though I may have alluded to my various struggles once or twice, and written about some general life lessons), but I really feel like I left them in Thailand. Thailand absorbed a lot of my crap and helped me to transform it into something useful. Like fertilizer. Though I didn't literally mean, y'know, my crap......
Anyway.......
So there is a gratitude that gives my memories about Asia its particular pastel-colored shade, and even the difficult moments were worth it. I still have more to say about it all. Just because my time there is over doesn't mean that the storytelling has to be.
Thank you to those of you who were with me every step of the way!
You haven't heard the last of me.....bwahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am tremendously excited about the year ahead, and I know it will be truly awesome. I feel so good about all of the decisions that I have made up to this point in my life, and I now feel ready to attack this next portion of my adulthood as I settle down with the love of my life, and get all of my ducks in a row to prepare for several new chapters in my professional life.
In other news, I ate a McFlurry and some Easy Mac for dinner tonight, and my stomach is having as hard of a time readjusting to food in the U.S. as it did adjusting to the food/water in Thailand. Granted, there are no parasites involved at this point, but still.
The world is incredibly different to me now. I guess it takes coming back to realize how much you've changed, how the old benchmarks by which you measured your existence or guaged your neuroses are no longer relevant. And I had remained so present in my experience and my life in Thailand, particularly during the last six months, that I sort of forgot about my frame of reference in the U.S. This isn't to say that I forgot about the people that I love here, or that I somehow lost myself. It's just that I became completely absorbed in these places, these cultures, and in my role as observer. It was a tremendously quiet time for me wherein I spent a lot of time contemplating and meditating and just watching (hence part of the reason why my blog went semi-neglected for so long). I was writing, but mainly in my pen and paper journal that was colored with ticket stubs and postcards and other assorted memorabilia. It was a respite, a retreat, and it was certainly not without its ups and downs. But it is astounding to me how thoroughly transformed I feel as I emerge from the other side of it all.
I miss Asia tremendously. TREMENDOUSLY. I think about my experiences there frequently, and I will still plan on writing about them here and in my journals. I am working on a memoir, but it may end up being something that is only for my eyes. We shall see. And obviously I gained a ton in my two years, and I have the Buddhas and stones and pearls and scarves and elephants and silk photo albums and fabulous clothes to prove it. And seriously, try not to vomit when I say this (no, you're gonna have to try pretty hard.....), but I think I will remember that time mostly in what I left behind. That is to say, there was a TON of demon wrestling that went on over there (which I didn't really write about on here, though I may have alluded to my various struggles once or twice, and written about some general life lessons), but I really feel like I left them in Thailand. Thailand absorbed a lot of my crap and helped me to transform it into something useful. Like fertilizer. Though I didn't literally mean, y'know, my crap......
Anyway.......
So there is a gratitude that gives my memories about Asia its particular pastel-colored shade, and even the difficult moments were worth it. I still have more to say about it all. Just because my time there is over doesn't mean that the storytelling has to be.
Thank you to those of you who were with me every step of the way!
You haven't heard the last of me.....bwahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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