Uff da. I'm still at work right now, and I spent the last few hours thinking up fun songs and fingerplays for preschoolers (and typing up the ones that I've made up in the past, along with those old classics....Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes, anyone??), so I'm a trifle brain dead at the moment. I'm also fighting the internal vice clamp that rears its ugly head and bites down on my brain stem whenever I look at my laptop. You see, I had spent several quality minutes today buffing and polishing and scrubbing my electronic friend so that its pearly white could shine through and be, well, pearly. No sooner had I finished this endeavor than I sat down to continue my Expert Composing and smeared what appeared to be a CHUNK of the Sharpie ink on my fingers that I had neglected to wash off before all over my space bar. And it, being Sharpie ink, refuses to budge. Grrrrr. That was a really intense run-on sentence that I am a leeetle too brain dead to fix at the moment. It's off to the gym in a minute, once this file finishes downloading (double grrrr).
Wow. This blog entry is off to a RIVETING start!!
Anyway.....now, I'll be honest: Anyone who has read this blog more than, oh, once knows that my time overseas has been FILLED with ups and downs (with, to be honest, more ups than downs!). However, through it all, while I've missed my family and friends and Peter and the yummy, yummy nieces and the various furry animals that inhabit my parents' house, I haven't missed the United States of America as a whole. Now, I'm NOT saying that I'm not proud to be an American, or that I dislike America, or that I'm going to go out and burn a flag. Certainly not. While being an American today can be a complex label indeed, especially overseas, it's certainly not one that I shun. I just...haven't...missed the U.S.
Until today, that is.
I've been reading everyone's Facebook status updates and blog entries talking about the Democratic National Convention in Denver, and I can't help but feel some pangs of jealousy and homesickness. People have been moved to TEARS more than once after listening to Barack Obama's speech. People are not wanting to take a 10% chance on change. They want to give their children a shot at a better future. They are inspired and crying and filled with a hope that has been absent from most Americans for the last eight years. And, well, I haven't been able to watch any of it due to time differences and, you know, that pesky job that I have. I am clickety clacking songs about scissors on my (now permanently inked) keyboard and trying to catch excerpts on CNN.com while my fellow Americans (the Democrats, at least) are poised for change, and rubbing the toxic distortions of the last eight years out of their eyes.
I realize that this sounds very self-pitying. Very, "Oh, poor me! I have to live overseas in an exciting country (which, by the way, has its own political craziness happening at the moment!!) instead of watching the DNC." That's NOT how I'm trying to sound. I just wish that I could share in the excitement of this moment.
So......my fellow Americans, I am with you in spirit, hoping for change. And even though I am still a DIE HARD Hillary supporter (um, card carrying member of the Sisterhood of the Pantsuit!!), I wish I could have heard Barack Obama deliver his speech. I know I would have been a bucket of tears :)
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Change
I apologize for my absence! Things have been super busy and chaotic, both internally and externally, but MAN is that a bright light at the end of this tunnel!!
Anyway........
Educating oneself about the various issues in the world can be both a blessing and a curse. In the blessing column, by learning about the pain and suffering that people throughout the world must endure because of Things That Are Just Plain F***ed Up, one becomes a global citizen, and is inspired to act with relentless fortitude. In the curse column, one can easily become overwhelmed with the enormity of it all, and question whether or not creating change is even POSSIBLE.
So I guess I have some big questions hanging over my head as I begin to slowly figure out (though I still have plenty of time!) what my next step should be, career-wise. What is the best way for me to take action? To create change? To live up to the potential that is within me?
Well, recently I've been thinking about what having an IMPACT really means. What CHANGE really means. And while there are some amazing leaders out there who have to capacity to effect change on a monumental scale, certainly not everyone can walk that path. So how do I play MY role in making a difference? In creating change?
There are two main events this summer that have really shaped my thinking about creating change and having an impact:
1.) Someone in the educational policy field (who, like most educational policy people, has never taught in a traditional school setting) ifnormed me that teachers "don't have enough of an impact." That teachers "impact a classroom, and maybe a school," but that the sphere of influence that one has as a teacher is just not big enough to really mean anything. The only way to REALLY create lasting change is through policy.
2.) Kalpna's death.
Kalpna was a person who, as I mentioned before, had a tremendous impact on our graduate school community, the community of the school where she taught, the lives of her students, and the lives of countless people who were lucky enough to know this extraordinary person. The depth of her impact will radiate on forever through countless hearts. I've been reading her memorial Facebook page, and her students' comments, and the comments of everyone who knew her, and this woman's all-too-short life had TREMENDOUS meaning. She effected all kinds of positive change, and she did so in small ways--by taking things one step at a time, one student at a time, one event at a time.
I see here after briefly skimming what I've written that I am using the words CHANGE, IMPACT, and MEANING interchangeably. And yes, one could argue that they are very different things, but maybe not.........
I don't have all (or even some?) of the answers by any means. However, so far, I have come to these conclusions:
1.) I agree with Gandhi. True change has to occur first within oneself. In order for ME to create change, I need to continue making my inner shifts. Letting go of anger, letting go of fear, figuring out how to structure my life so that I can be a more efficient, more focused, more able-to-multitask me. And, well, excuse me while I wax all hippie on you, but we are all connected as human beings. If one person evolves and grows, those around that person will also evolve and grow.
2.) Change happens in small steps. That boy with the starfish has the right idea. Sure, I could create some fabulous educational policies and change the world forever, but I would have to spend the majority of my life battling bureaucracies and being a cog in a system, and I don't think I'm satisfied with waiting 20 years to have an impact. Don't get me wrong: I think the people involved in policy are doing the best that they can to effect change, and I applaud their efforts. However, to say that teachers don't have enough of an impact is, in my opinion, a blatantly misinformed statement.
3.) Change is NOT something that we can do as individuals. Sure, we may have superhero fantasies of saving the world all on our own (and, um, by "we," I mean "me"), and not having to share the glory with anyone else, and to have our red capes put in a special place of honor for all eternity. BUT....that view of change is motivated by all the wrong things. Change takes collaboration, partnerships, and allies.
SO.....I'm going to start my process of world domination (HA! Only kidding. Sort of) today by teaching myself to stress way less, by not holding onto anger, by resuming my usual daily exercise schedule (which has been on hiatus for a MONTH! And boy, does exercise make a HUGE difference), and by learning to live a more regimented life (e.g. making my schedule throughout the day and week much more structured). These are changes that will allow me to, as Gandhi says, "[b]e the change [I] want to see in the world." Figuring out how to solve the complex problem of illiteracy on a global scale will come later.
What small changes are YOU going to make???
Anyway........
Educating oneself about the various issues in the world can be both a blessing and a curse. In the blessing column, by learning about the pain and suffering that people throughout the world must endure because of Things That Are Just Plain F***ed Up, one becomes a global citizen, and is inspired to act with relentless fortitude. In the curse column, one can easily become overwhelmed with the enormity of it all, and question whether or not creating change is even POSSIBLE.
So I guess I have some big questions hanging over my head as I begin to slowly figure out (though I still have plenty of time!) what my next step should be, career-wise. What is the best way for me to take action? To create change? To live up to the potential that is within me?
Well, recently I've been thinking about what having an IMPACT really means. What CHANGE really means. And while there are some amazing leaders out there who have to capacity to effect change on a monumental scale, certainly not everyone can walk that path. So how do I play MY role in making a difference? In creating change?
There are two main events this summer that have really shaped my thinking about creating change and having an impact:
1.) Someone in the educational policy field (who, like most educational policy people, has never taught in a traditional school setting) ifnormed me that teachers "don't have enough of an impact." That teachers "impact a classroom, and maybe a school," but that the sphere of influence that one has as a teacher is just not big enough to really mean anything. The only way to REALLY create lasting change is through policy.
2.) Kalpna's death.
Kalpna was a person who, as I mentioned before, had a tremendous impact on our graduate school community, the community of the school where she taught, the lives of her students, and the lives of countless people who were lucky enough to know this extraordinary person. The depth of her impact will radiate on forever through countless hearts. I've been reading her memorial Facebook page, and her students' comments, and the comments of everyone who knew her, and this woman's all-too-short life had TREMENDOUS meaning. She effected all kinds of positive change, and she did so in small ways--by taking things one step at a time, one student at a time, one event at a time.
I see here after briefly skimming what I've written that I am using the words CHANGE, IMPACT, and MEANING interchangeably. And yes, one could argue that they are very different things, but maybe not.........
I don't have all (or even some?) of the answers by any means. However, so far, I have come to these conclusions:
1.) I agree with Gandhi. True change has to occur first within oneself. In order for ME to create change, I need to continue making my inner shifts. Letting go of anger, letting go of fear, figuring out how to structure my life so that I can be a more efficient, more focused, more able-to-multitask me. And, well, excuse me while I wax all hippie on you, but we are all connected as human beings. If one person evolves and grows, those around that person will also evolve and grow.
2.) Change happens in small steps. That boy with the starfish has the right idea. Sure, I could create some fabulous educational policies and change the world forever, but I would have to spend the majority of my life battling bureaucracies and being a cog in a system, and I don't think I'm satisfied with waiting 20 years to have an impact. Don't get me wrong: I think the people involved in policy are doing the best that they can to effect change, and I applaud their efforts. However, to say that teachers don't have enough of an impact is, in my opinion, a blatantly misinformed statement.
3.) Change is NOT something that we can do as individuals. Sure, we may have superhero fantasies of saving the world all on our own (and, um, by "we," I mean "me"), and not having to share the glory with anyone else, and to have our red capes put in a special place of honor for all eternity. BUT....that view of change is motivated by all the wrong things. Change takes collaboration, partnerships, and allies.
SO.....I'm going to start my process of world domination (HA! Only kidding. Sort of) today by teaching myself to stress way less, by not holding onto anger, by resuming my usual daily exercise schedule (which has been on hiatus for a MONTH! And boy, does exercise make a HUGE difference), and by learning to live a more regimented life (e.g. making my schedule throughout the day and week much more structured). These are changes that will allow me to, as Gandhi says, "[b]e the change [I] want to see in the world." Figuring out how to solve the complex problem of illiteracy on a global scale will come later.
What small changes are YOU going to make???
Monday, August 18, 2008
Asia in Pictures: Vietnam, part 2
How amazing it is to see this. To see a scene so simple: a farmer with his cows surrounded by a blinding green. The simplicity is what makes this scene extraordinary. I see many postcards like this, and I find myself feeling jealous of the photographer, of the camera, of the patch of ground under the photographer's feet. To see life in another context, to take a deep breath and experience a beautiful day so far from home. This is to truly live. This is everything that I have dreamed about for such a long time. Just a farmer and his cows and the knowledge that I don't have to be jealous of postcards. That I am truly alive, truly living, truly SEEING, truly remembering.
Click on the photo to enlarge it!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Fun words.....
I learned these words today while playing FreeRice.com. New words are always fun:
*bluestocking=scholarly woman (WOW. I **TOTALLY** want that word on my tombstone. No, not even joking. That is the coolest word ever. EVER.)
*cockloft (this word makes me giggle)=garret (a word I once had in my third grade spelling bee)
*lunker=big fish
*clavier=keyboard
Alrighty. Time to hit the ol' clavier and be productive. I have many scholarly tasks to complete (being a bluestocking and all....).
*bluestocking=scholarly woman (WOW. I **TOTALLY** want that word on my tombstone. No, not even joking. That is the coolest word ever. EVER.)
*cockloft (this word makes me giggle)=garret (a word I once had in my third grade spelling bee)
*lunker=big fish
*clavier=keyboard
Alrighty. Time to hit the ol' clavier and be productive. I have many scholarly tasks to complete (being a bluestocking and all....).
I guess it runs in the family.....
I mentioned in one of my six word memoirs that I hate surprises. It is quite possible that this is genetic, as both OlderNiece L. and my sister M. seem to also have a very low tolerance for surprises:
SETTING: Every single Christmas. Ever.
My sister M: [Looking at all of the presents under the tree] Is that the gift that you got for me?
Me: Yes.
M: What is it?
Me: You'll just have to wait and see.
M: Nooo! Tell me! What is it? What is it? Whatisitwhatisitwhatisit????????
Me: Dude! You'll have to wait until Christmas!
M: Can you give me a hint? Tell me! Tell me! Tellmetellmetellme!!!!!!
Me: Sigh. [Tells M. what her present is].
**********************************************************************************
SETTING: Every single phone conversation with OlderNiece L.
Me: Are you being a good girl?
L: Yes. Baba?
Me: Yes?
L: Did you send me a present from your last trip?
Me: Why, yes I did!
L: What is it?
Me: You'll just have to wait and see!
L: Is it big? Is it pink? Is it a [insert random present guess here]?
Me: You'll just have to wait and see!
L: Baba?
Me: Yes?
L: I love you.
Me: I love you too, Peanut!
L: [pauses] Baba?
Me: Yes?
L: NOW can you tell me what the present is?
Me: Sigh. [Tells L. what the present is].
****************************************************************************
SETTING: Bangkok, Thailand. My condo.
Peter: OK, baby. I'm going to run down and check my e-mail. I have some surprises for you that I'll give you when I come back up, so make sure that you don't snoop around.
Me: What is it? What are the surprises? What did you get me? Whatisitwhatisitwhatisit? Tellmetellmetellmetellme!!!!!!!!!!!
Peter:.................................are you five??
I think Peter will cure me of my dislike of surprises (the good ones, at least) because the ones that he has for me are always so wonderful (btw, he brought me some paintings and a musical instrument from Cambodia). Plus, he doesn't cave in after constant pestering :)
Now, I speak only for myself when I say this (not for my sister or niece), but while I would like to say that my dislike of (good) surprises is just due to a lack of patience, the fact of the matter is that surprises make me slightly uncomfortable. I think there's a part of me that thinks I don't deserve them, and I'm always afraid of giving too strong or weak of a reaction (being an inadequate "surprisee," if you will), and thereby hurting the feelings of the "surpriser."
This is just one of the things that I am working on as this year, and I feel so grateful that I have this space and time to just look inward, make some minor repairs, and grow.
So, um, keep the surprises a comin'. They help me grow!!
SETTING: Every single Christmas. Ever.
My sister M: [Looking at all of the presents under the tree] Is that the gift that you got for me?
Me: Yes.
M: What is it?
Me: You'll just have to wait and see.
M: Nooo! Tell me! What is it? What is it? Whatisitwhatisitwhatisit????????
Me: Dude! You'll have to wait until Christmas!
M: Can you give me a hint? Tell me! Tell me! Tellmetellmetellme!!!!!!
Me: Sigh. [Tells M. what her present is].
**********************************************************************************
SETTING: Every single phone conversation with OlderNiece L.
Me: Are you being a good girl?
L: Yes. Baba?
Me: Yes?
L: Did you send me a present from your last trip?
Me: Why, yes I did!
L: What is it?
Me: You'll just have to wait and see!
L: Is it big? Is it pink? Is it a [insert random present guess here]?
Me: You'll just have to wait and see!
L: Baba?
Me: Yes?
L: I love you.
Me: I love you too, Peanut!
L: [pauses] Baba?
Me: Yes?
L: NOW can you tell me what the present is?
Me: Sigh. [Tells L. what the present is].
****************************************************************************
SETTING: Bangkok, Thailand. My condo.
Peter: OK, baby. I'm going to run down and check my e-mail. I have some surprises for you that I'll give you when I come back up, so make sure that you don't snoop around.
Me: What is it? What are the surprises? What did you get me? Whatisitwhatisitwhatisit? Tellmetellmetellmetellme!!!!!!!!!!!
Peter:.................................are you five??
I think Peter will cure me of my dislike of surprises (the good ones, at least) because the ones that he has for me are always so wonderful (btw, he brought me some paintings and a musical instrument from Cambodia). Plus, he doesn't cave in after constant pestering :)
Now, I speak only for myself when I say this (not for my sister or niece), but while I would like to say that my dislike of (good) surprises is just due to a lack of patience, the fact of the matter is that surprises make me slightly uncomfortable. I think there's a part of me that thinks I don't deserve them, and I'm always afraid of giving too strong or weak of a reaction (being an inadequate "surprisee," if you will), and thereby hurting the feelings of the "surpriser."
This is just one of the things that I am working on as this year, and I feel so grateful that I have this space and time to just look inward, make some minor repairs, and grow.
So, um, keep the surprises a comin'. They help me grow!!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
All aboard.....
Alrighty.....you know that you are NOT having the best day when THIS PICTURE pretty much sums it up:
Totally. Riding. The Failboat.
Gonna go try to pull myself off of it now..........
**Don't let in the negativity! Don't let in the negativity!**
Totally. Riding. The Failboat.
Gonna go try to pull myself off of it now..........
**Don't let in the negativity! Don't let in the negativity!**
Six word memoirs
I was looking at the Post Secret site today and saw that some people had written six word memoirs. I am going to try to do that right now (though I will write more than one, 'cause really, who can fit into six words??). I guess these are "six word statements of fact" rather than memoirs. Oh well. Enjoy.......
1.) I knew you'd eventually come around.
2.) Minnesota, New York, Ireland, Arizona, Massachusetts, Thailand*.
3.) Hard on myself. Don't wanna be.
4.) I really don't like rainy days.
5.) I love my nieces to pieces.
6.) Red wine sometimes hurts my stomach.
7.) Travel, teaching, writing, learning, dancing, animals.
8.) Look angelic. Have a wild streak.
9.) I never quit (unless it's unhealthy).
10.) I am learning to trust myself.
11.) Sometimes organization can be very difficult.
12.) The US feels really far away.
13.) I hate surprises. Even good ones.
14.) Can be alone without being lonely.
15.) My friends are awesomer(!) than yours :)
*I realize that I took a little poetic license here....yes, New York is technically TWO words.......
Alrighty. That was fun. If you would like to write your own six word memoir, please leave it in the comments!!
1.) I knew you'd eventually come around.
2.) Minnesota, New York, Ireland, Arizona, Massachusetts, Thailand*.
3.) Hard on myself. Don't wanna be.
4.) I really don't like rainy days.
5.) I love my nieces to pieces.
6.) Red wine sometimes hurts my stomach.
7.) Travel, teaching, writing, learning, dancing, animals.
8.) Look angelic. Have a wild streak.
9.) I never quit (unless it's unhealthy).
10.) I am learning to trust myself.
11.) Sometimes organization can be very difficult.
12.) The US feels really far away.
13.) I hate surprises. Even good ones.
14.) Can be alone without being lonely.
15.) My friends are awesomer(!) than yours :)
*I realize that I took a little poetic license here....yes, New York is technically TWO words.......
Alrighty. That was fun. If you would like to write your own six word memoir, please leave it in the comments!!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Shakespeare was wrong....
....parting is NOT sweet sorrow. Ugh. Peter spent a month here in Asia, which also overlapped with the visits of my two best friends from grad school. As usual, time went by entirely too quickly and both Peter and my friend K. departed yesterday (my friend R. is here until the 16th, but she is currently at the beach with her brother and sister-in-law. R. celebrated her 30th birthday out here, and her bro and sis-in-law decided that they love and adore R. enough to travel halfway around the world in order to also celebrate her birthday. How awesome is that??).
"Bliss" is about the only word that aptly describes the past month. Peter and I bounced around from place to place--Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Bali, Bangkok, Krabi, with Peter then taking a side trip with a friend to Cambodia--and had a BLAST. My friends and I reconnected over coconut cocktails and karaoke, and it was so nice to feel loved and supported and to take a break from the occasional isolation of my life out here. Being surrounded by my friends and Peter helped me to strengthen my belief in myself, to realize the futility of worry, and to see Asia through a fresh pair of eyes.
Peter and I knew what we were in for when things started getting serious. Being in a relationship with me meant being on two different continents for two years. Back when we were both in Cambridge, we sort of danced around the "what are we going to do?" question until one day, on one particular street corner, we finally had The Talk. We did the math: two years, two continents, several thousand dollars worth of plane tickets and calling cards, an 11 hour time difference, dozens of "what the hell are you thinking?" questions raised by friends and other assorted loved ones, stacked against six months of casual dating and three months of serious dating. In the end, it was truly a no-brainer. We were going to do this and come out the other side TOGETHER. There was never a "let's see" option, never a "I'll go my way, you go yours, and we'll see if we come back together at the end" conversation.
Our relationship has only gotten stronger during this first year apart, and we are motivated and energized for the year ahead. And we have been through a lot, and we have missed each other TERRIBLY, but I know that we wouldn't want it any other way. Peter just, y'know, makes everything better. For various reasons, I have not exactly "nested" in my condo (i.e. I don't reeeeally feel at home in my condo because I'm not allowed to put any nails in the walls or access rooms other than my bedroom and common areas, and the place is also SO HUGE and very sterile....however, it is RENT-FREE!! Oh, and the fact that I spend the majority of my time out and about exploring Asia and therefore see my condo as mainly a place to sleep and watch pirated DVDs). As a result, I come home every day to vast expanses of eye-fryingly white walls, illuminated ever-so-delicately by blazing fluorescent lights (um, not MY color or light of choice, thankyouverymuch). Things are frequently in need of fixing, and most of the light bulbs in my bedroom have burned out. Peter looked around, assessed the situation, and told me that he wants me to be happy and cozy in my house. He knows that a nest is important to me, and that I'll be better able to handle the ups and downs that the next year will bring if I have a lovely place to hang my hat. And while I have acquired a multitude of beautiful things for feathering my nest over the last year, many of them have remained in plastic bags and closets.
So Peter got to work: he changed my light bulbs, bought a drying rack (so that I no longer have to use, um, the living room furniture to dry my clothes), purchased and assembled some BEAUTIFUL lamps, rode in the back of a pick-up truck in order to transport a large plumeria tree from Cayla and JJ's balcony to mine, and hung up a ton of stuff: my Thai style fairy lights, the four paintings that he bought for me in Cambodia, the beautiful photograph that was taken by my friend JJ, the batik painting that I made in Bali, my good luck gecko, and the STUNNING green batik sarong that we also purchased in Bali. The icing on this amazing cake?? He bought me a Chang replacement (which I named Chang Song, or Elephant #2 in Thai) that we will take all over the world with us in our many journeys ahead.
Right now the long distance sucks, and it will probably take me a few weeks before I can look around at all of the improvements in the condo without bursting into tears. But it also feels like part of him is still there with me. I sent a few pieces of art (which require nails and are therefore forbidden from the condo) back with him so that we can slowly begin feathering the nest we will build together. He told me that he would hang them up, and that they, like him, would be waiting patiently for me to return.
"Bliss" is about the only word that aptly describes the past month. Peter and I bounced around from place to place--Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Bali, Bangkok, Krabi, with Peter then taking a side trip with a friend to Cambodia--and had a BLAST. My friends and I reconnected over coconut cocktails and karaoke, and it was so nice to feel loved and supported and to take a break from the occasional isolation of my life out here. Being surrounded by my friends and Peter helped me to strengthen my belief in myself, to realize the futility of worry, and to see Asia through a fresh pair of eyes.
Peter and I knew what we were in for when things started getting serious. Being in a relationship with me meant being on two different continents for two years. Back when we were both in Cambridge, we sort of danced around the "what are we going to do?" question until one day, on one particular street corner, we finally had The Talk. We did the math: two years, two continents, several thousand dollars worth of plane tickets and calling cards, an 11 hour time difference, dozens of "what the hell are you thinking?" questions raised by friends and other assorted loved ones, stacked against six months of casual dating and three months of serious dating. In the end, it was truly a no-brainer. We were going to do this and come out the other side TOGETHER. There was never a "let's see" option, never a "I'll go my way, you go yours, and we'll see if we come back together at the end" conversation.
Our relationship has only gotten stronger during this first year apart, and we are motivated and energized for the year ahead. And we have been through a lot, and we have missed each other TERRIBLY, but I know that we wouldn't want it any other way. Peter just, y'know, makes everything better. For various reasons, I have not exactly "nested" in my condo (i.e. I don't reeeeally feel at home in my condo because I'm not allowed to put any nails in the walls or access rooms other than my bedroom and common areas, and the place is also SO HUGE and very sterile....however, it is RENT-FREE!! Oh, and the fact that I spend the majority of my time out and about exploring Asia and therefore see my condo as mainly a place to sleep and watch pirated DVDs). As a result, I come home every day to vast expanses of eye-fryingly white walls, illuminated ever-so-delicately by blazing fluorescent lights (um, not MY color or light of choice, thankyouverymuch). Things are frequently in need of fixing, and most of the light bulbs in my bedroom have burned out. Peter looked around, assessed the situation, and told me that he wants me to be happy and cozy in my house. He knows that a nest is important to me, and that I'll be better able to handle the ups and downs that the next year will bring if I have a lovely place to hang my hat. And while I have acquired a multitude of beautiful things for feathering my nest over the last year, many of them have remained in plastic bags and closets.
So Peter got to work: he changed my light bulbs, bought a drying rack (so that I no longer have to use, um, the living room furniture to dry my clothes), purchased and assembled some BEAUTIFUL lamps, rode in the back of a pick-up truck in order to transport a large plumeria tree from Cayla and JJ's balcony to mine, and hung up a ton of stuff: my Thai style fairy lights, the four paintings that he bought for me in Cambodia, the beautiful photograph that was taken by my friend JJ, the batik painting that I made in Bali, my good luck gecko, and the STUNNING green batik sarong that we also purchased in Bali. The icing on this amazing cake?? He bought me a Chang replacement (which I named Chang Song, or Elephant #2 in Thai) that we will take all over the world with us in our many journeys ahead.
Right now the long distance sucks, and it will probably take me a few weeks before I can look around at all of the improvements in the condo without bursting into tears. But it also feels like part of him is still there with me. I sent a few pieces of art (which require nails and are therefore forbidden from the condo) back with him so that we can slowly begin feathering the nest we will build together. He told me that he would hang them up, and that they, like him, would be waiting patiently for me to return.
Friday, August 8, 2008
On the SkyTrain again
Yesterday found me squeezing into a verrrrry crowded SkyTrain with no place to hold on. My eyes darted around quickly, but every stable metallic or strappy surface was covered with fingers. Now, for most people a lack of stability on a train would not be a huge deal. I, however, was not blessed with either coordination or balance (or, since we're taking this moment to talk about my deficits, night vision), and I began to see myself as a gigantic boulder that had been plopped into a fleshy lake....in other words, I could very easily see myself falling into the people next to me and creating a disastrous ripple effect on that very crowded train.
As I began giving my limbs a pep talk and bracing for the lurch forward, I felt a gentle tapping on my arm. Apparently, as I was knee-deep in my own worst case scenario, several people had shifted over so that my hand could have a spot on the nearby pole. The woman who had tapped me smiled and pointed to the few empty inches of stability that would save me (and those around me) from bodily harm due to severe and tragic clumsiness.
You know that you've in a good place when your faith in humanity is restored and strengthened as a result of taking public transportation. I heart you, Thailand.
As I began giving my limbs a pep talk and bracing for the lurch forward, I felt a gentle tapping on my arm. Apparently, as I was knee-deep in my own worst case scenario, several people had shifted over so that my hand could have a spot on the nearby pole. The woman who had tapped me smiled and pointed to the few empty inches of stability that would save me (and those around me) from bodily harm due to severe and tragic clumsiness.
You know that you've in a good place when your faith in humanity is restored and strengthened as a result of taking public transportation. I heart you, Thailand.
I sure hope so!!
According to a Facebook application, THIS is what my birth date says about me:
You are spiritual - a person who tries to find meaning to everything in life. You spend a good amount of time meditating, contemplating and trying to figure out life. Helping others is also important to you. You enjoy social activities with that goal. You are very generous and benevolent. Yet you expect very little in return, like a true God's human being!
Awesome. Hope I can live up to that!!
You are spiritual - a person who tries to find meaning to everything in life. You spend a good amount of time meditating, contemplating and trying to figure out life. Helping others is also important to you. You enjoy social activities with that goal. You are very generous and benevolent. Yet you expect very little in return, like a true God's human being!
Awesome. Hope I can live up to that!!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Happiness Revised
I had written before that I think happiness takes a great deal of effort, and very often it entails a lot of fighting. Mainly, I think, we are fighting against the various neurotic and dark forces within ourselves that prevent happiness from flowing through us freely, and these things can be remarkably difficult to overcome.
Things like comparing ourselves to others. Worrying about what others think. Engaging in self-destructive thoughts or behavior. Projecting our own insecurities onto others. Engaging in self-criticism. Digging a negative pit of despair and climbing into it. Allowing ourselves to feel powerless. Refusing to live in the present moment.
I had previously posted a poem by Rumi that describes the heart as a guest house. When certain thoughts and feelings come to the guest house, it is best to invite them in, make peace with them, serve them some tea, and then send them on their way. If you do not let them in, they will bang and bang and bang on the door and wreak total havoc until suddenly they are in complete control of your cozy little guest house.
I still agree with Rumi's description of the heart. However, the thing that I have recently learned is that, very often, happiness cannot be achieved until certain things are DENIED ENTRY into your guest house.
Worry, stress, anxiety......there is no room for you today. Sorry. The guest house is filled to the brim today with love, joy, and purpose. I refuse to allow myself to be held captive by my worries. I refuse to allow myself to spend even a moment anguishing over what others may think of me, because those who choose to judge me without understanding are not friends, and are therefore not welcome in the guest house. I refuse to allow myself to judge others, because each person is on his or her own special path with its unique obstacles, and there is no way that I can possibly begin to understand the entire exquisite mosaic of another person's life.
Today I am happy.
Things like comparing ourselves to others. Worrying about what others think. Engaging in self-destructive thoughts or behavior. Projecting our own insecurities onto others. Engaging in self-criticism. Digging a negative pit of despair and climbing into it. Allowing ourselves to feel powerless. Refusing to live in the present moment.
I had previously posted a poem by Rumi that describes the heart as a guest house. When certain thoughts and feelings come to the guest house, it is best to invite them in, make peace with them, serve them some tea, and then send them on their way. If you do not let them in, they will bang and bang and bang on the door and wreak total havoc until suddenly they are in complete control of your cozy little guest house.
I still agree with Rumi's description of the heart. However, the thing that I have recently learned is that, very often, happiness cannot be achieved until certain things are DENIED ENTRY into your guest house.
Worry, stress, anxiety......there is no room for you today. Sorry. The guest house is filled to the brim today with love, joy, and purpose. I refuse to allow myself to be held captive by my worries. I refuse to allow myself to spend even a moment anguishing over what others may think of me, because those who choose to judge me without understanding are not friends, and are therefore not welcome in the guest house. I refuse to allow myself to judge others, because each person is on his or her own special path with its unique obstacles, and there is no way that I can possibly begin to understand the entire exquisite mosaic of another person's life.
Today I am happy.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Gift
Today I received news that a classmate of mine from grad school, Kalpna Mistry, passed away on Sunday. She was doing a Fulbright in the Philippines, and while the details are still fuzzy for everyone, it appears that she had some medical complications.
I didn't know her well. We had both started student organizations that sort of went hand in hand, and we occasionally had lunch to discuss the ways in which our organizations could work together.
The girl was amaaaaaaaaaaazing.
In addition to starting and leading her student organization, she also organized a social justice trip to New Orleans over spring break to help clean and repair schools, helped to organize the Voices for Africa conference, and organized resources in Health Services for students suffering from migraine headaches. I'm sure I've only touched upon a few of the things that she did in one year. I'm also certain that she waltzed through that year with straight As. And through it all she never seemed stressed or overwhelmed. That absolutely dazzling smile was always constant.
I remember talking to her once in the library, and telling her how impressed with her I was. "How do you DO it all?? I can't believe the amount of things that you do around here!! You just might be my hero!" She just laughed and shrugged. I'm glad I had the opportunity to say that to her.
She believed strongly in teachers and the teaching profession. She was all about the ground level, the grassroots, and she turned her ambitions to the underserved students in our nation's inner-city schools. She believed in the tremendous power and potential within each of her students. One of her closest friends from grad school started a Facebook group in memory of her, and most of the wall postings thus far are from her students and colleagues. She made a true and indelible impact in the lives of her students, and she will always be a part of their future success. In that way, her legacy will continue forever.
The great thing about my grad school experience is that people were recognized for their contributions, and there was just a constant sense of appreciation and support among the faculty and students. Kalpna was honored with the Intellectual Contribution-Faculty Tribute Award for her program at the end of the year, and wore a special gold cord--and that dazzling smile--at graduation. I'm so glad that she got that well-deserved recognition.
Many, many hearts will be breaking as the news begins to spread across the globe. It's always hard when a friend or classmate passes, especially someone who was so young and so capable of creating long-term change in the world. It's also especially hard when that person passes away while overseas. It's a sharp reminder of all of the things that can go wrong so far from home.
I feel like I've spent so much time recently mired in negativity because of certain aggravating situations that are currently in my life. And, no, I am not becoming a negative expat. In fact, the absolute joy that I experience every day in Asia is what keeps me going. I just think that I let little stuff get to me more than is healthy, and I find myself ruminating and stewing and anguishing and complaining more than is necessary. Lately I feel as though I've been turning a corner, and I think Kalpna's example has helped to push me the rest of the way. Here was someone who radiated positivity, who never lost hope, who had endless energy, who actively inspired everyone she met. Myself included.
Kalpna, thank you for teaching everyone who knew you--even if for just a moment--that life is a gift. Worry is futile. Every day should be a productive and joyous one. Every day should be an opportunity to serve. Though I did not know you well, your energy and example were absolutely pervasive. If I begin to feel myself getting sucked into my own negative pit over silly little bullshit, I will keep your smiling face in the back of my mind so that I will continue moving forward with joy and with urgency, for there is much to be done.
R.I.P., beautiful one.
I didn't know her well. We had both started student organizations that sort of went hand in hand, and we occasionally had lunch to discuss the ways in which our organizations could work together.
The girl was amaaaaaaaaaaazing.
In addition to starting and leading her student organization, she also organized a social justice trip to New Orleans over spring break to help clean and repair schools, helped to organize the Voices for Africa conference, and organized resources in Health Services for students suffering from migraine headaches. I'm sure I've only touched upon a few of the things that she did in one year. I'm also certain that she waltzed through that year with straight As. And through it all she never seemed stressed or overwhelmed. That absolutely dazzling smile was always constant.
I remember talking to her once in the library, and telling her how impressed with her I was. "How do you DO it all?? I can't believe the amount of things that you do around here!! You just might be my hero!" She just laughed and shrugged. I'm glad I had the opportunity to say that to her.
She believed strongly in teachers and the teaching profession. She was all about the ground level, the grassroots, and she turned her ambitions to the underserved students in our nation's inner-city schools. She believed in the tremendous power and potential within each of her students. One of her closest friends from grad school started a Facebook group in memory of her, and most of the wall postings thus far are from her students and colleagues. She made a true and indelible impact in the lives of her students, and she will always be a part of their future success. In that way, her legacy will continue forever.
The great thing about my grad school experience is that people were recognized for their contributions, and there was just a constant sense of appreciation and support among the faculty and students. Kalpna was honored with the Intellectual Contribution-Faculty Tribute Award for her program at the end of the year, and wore a special gold cord--and that dazzling smile--at graduation. I'm so glad that she got that well-deserved recognition.
Many, many hearts will be breaking as the news begins to spread across the globe. It's always hard when a friend or classmate passes, especially someone who was so young and so capable of creating long-term change in the world. It's also especially hard when that person passes away while overseas. It's a sharp reminder of all of the things that can go wrong so far from home.
I feel like I've spent so much time recently mired in negativity because of certain aggravating situations that are currently in my life. And, no, I am not becoming a negative expat. In fact, the absolute joy that I experience every day in Asia is what keeps me going. I just think that I let little stuff get to me more than is healthy, and I find myself ruminating and stewing and anguishing and complaining more than is necessary. Lately I feel as though I've been turning a corner, and I think Kalpna's example has helped to push me the rest of the way. Here was someone who radiated positivity, who never lost hope, who had endless energy, who actively inspired everyone she met. Myself included.
Kalpna, thank you for teaching everyone who knew you--even if for just a moment--that life is a gift. Worry is futile. Every day should be a productive and joyous one. Every day should be an opportunity to serve. Though I did not know you well, your energy and example were absolutely pervasive. If I begin to feel myself getting sucked into my own negative pit over silly little bullshit, I will keep your smiling face in the back of my mind so that I will continue moving forward with joy and with urgency, for there is much to be done.
R.I.P., beautiful one.
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