Does it hurt when I do THIS?????

In case we're not clear on this, the time that my friends B. and C. have spent visiting me in Bangkok has been the Best Time Ever. They're in Chiang Mai right now, probably having the time of their lives, and I am stuck pining for them in Bangkok :(.

Anyway......they had been exploring some of Bangkok's main sights the other day when they stopped in at a charming--and quite delicious--restaurant that I had recommended. B. told me that in the restroom there was a (rather long) tale written on the wall. It goes a little something like this:

There once was a young boy who would lose his temper and do/say hurtful things to other people. Each time he lost his temper, his father would make him pound a nail into a fence until he finally accumulated 75 (or so) nails. Eventually he grew out of his temper tantrums, and his father told him that he could remove the nails from the fence. Upon finishing he took a step back and saw that the fence was completely full of holes. His father told him that when you do something hurtful to someone, that person becomes like the fence where you have driven a nail. Sure, you can remove the nail, but the hole will always remain. When you do hurtful things to people, the damage is permanent.

Now.....my life recently has been a chaotic hub of comings and goings. Most importantly, though, I've reconnected with various people from my past--people who have "nailed" me, and people whom I have "nailed."

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh yes I did!!! But just so we're clear (because my mom reads this), I only mean that in the metaphoric, hurtful-things-drive-a-nail-through-the-soul way.

Anyway, all of this reconnection has happened at the exact same time that other people have, in one form or another, exited my life. In fact, in one case the timing and circumstance of the person leaving and the person re-entering have been absolutely eerie. And it's all just made me pause and reflect (as, hey, that's what my time in Thailand is all about).

DO these holes really last forever??? As I had mentioned in my list of 100 things, it takes me a long time to cut people out of my life. Once I do, that door is closed forever. But now that is no longer true, and it actually hasn't been for a long time. I don't know if my heart is the steel trap that it used to be. Once you're in, YOU MUST STAY THERE FOREVER. If you manage to escape, SAYONARA. But I don't think that's a fair way to travel through life. I guess I would like to envision my heart as a revolving door. A revolving door leading into a big, fabulous shopping center. A person can enter when the circumstances are right for both of us, when there are lessons to be learned and gifts to be given and company to enjoy and solace to be sought and geography in common. But if there comes a point where circumstances are no longer right for one or both of us, then that person can pick up his or her recyclable canvas shopping bag full of parting gifts from me and be on his or her way. And should that person decide to return one day, well, he or she will just have to look for the revolving door. It's the one that's bright pink and smothered in glitter.

Now, I realize that this is a rather Pollyanna view of human relationships and the human heart. Because the fact of the matter is that the "going" part of coming-and-going can be tremendously complicated. Now, a great majority of the time paths just diverge, geography changes, life stages take us off into different directions, and people just plain ol' lose touch. However, sometimes people are not satisfied with the parting gifts and decide to take more and more and more--even resorting to stealing. Sometimes people decide to burn the place down before they go, or put cherry bombs in the toilets, or spray paint profanity on the walls, and never feel even an ounce of guilt, sadness, or remorse. THOSE people are forever banned from the premises. But even still: if someone who has hurt you (whether in a small way, or in a significantly life-altering way) truly apologizes, and truly asks for forgiveness, AND, most importantly, TRULY proves to you that he or she HAS learned from the mistakes and will never repeat them again, can a wound really be healed?

Now, I've done some SHITTY things in my time. Small, large, it doesn't matter. I look back on those things and I STILL get all flushed. I've also had a horrific tendency to make an absolute ass outta myself (which I wish I could attribute completely to alcohol consumption, but sadly, no.....), and therefore have made some indelible impressions on people, and NOT in a good way. I also have this horrible habit of putting my foot in my mouth. In my self-reflection time, all of these things have been brought to the glaring surface light of my memory and conscience. And it SUCKS. I know that I would take all of that back in an instant if I could. I know that I have made some HORRIFICALLY bad decisions and harmful mistakes. I know that it is good to look at all of this, even if looking into the eyes of the Brooke in my memories is a bit like looking into the eyes of Medusa, except instead of turning into stone, the very earth around me feels as though it is melting into a hot, firey mess.

Anyway.......yay for the melodrama.........

The fact of the matter is that I CAN'T take any of it back, nor can anyone take back the things that they have done and said to me. But when someone asks for forgiveness and offers a sincere apology, I think it's a bit like taking some plaster and patching up the holes. And while in some cases the trust may never return, and that person may never again be granted an all-access pass to the fabulous shopping mall (yay for the mixed metaphors), and there ARE some things that can safely be classified as unforgivable (e.g. the killing of self or others, infidelity, physical or emotional abuse), I think forgiveness--both the granting of it and the receiving of it--is the most powerful act that we can perform as human beings.

I'm not one for grudges. I never have been. As of today I am going to change that item on my list of 100 things from, "that door is closed forever," to, "I believe in second chances*." Because I do. I can only hope that other people can forgive me my mistakes as well. I'm trying, and I'm learning from them, and I am truly sorry. I will most definitely be more careful with that hammer in the future.

Peter, I just want to assure you (and anyone else who may be wondering) that this statement does NOT, in fact, apply to ex-boyfriends. Only friendships. There is only room in the fabulous shopping center/fence/revolving door of my heart for one guy, and YOU AND ONLY YOU shall occupy that spot for all eternity.