This has been a grueling, grueling, grueling, GRUELING month. And the next two weeks are going to be the hardcore cherry on top of my workaholic sundae. While I've pretty much just resigned myself to the fact that I will most likely spend the majority of my remaining months in Thailand working 12 hour days and continuing the somewhat solitary existence that I lead over here, I am strangely at peace with this information. However, the big goal and priority when I return after my three weeks in the States (and when my freakin' foot is finally completely healed and I can walk without a spastic limp again) will be to get back into the habit of taking a trip once a month. I'm so lucky that I've had so many wonderful opportunities to travel, but it still needs to remain a priority.
I feel productive. I feel a sense of accomplishment. Sadly, I am not feeling terribly creative at the moment, but some things are starting to stir and some voices are starting to emerge from the deep. I just have to be a little bit patient.
The big thing that I have to also continue to do?? Stop taking work "things" so personally. I throw my entire being into my work. It is my passion and my love and to say that I am driven is an understatement. BUT....even still, I am learning that there is a choice in whether or not I allow myself to be consumed entirely by whatever workplace drama or change or interaction or criticism or imperfection or unfinished task happens to be at the forefront of my mind. And it's empowering to know that, in any situation (be it with family members or friends or significant others or that plant that is slowly dying and your can FEEL it judging you....), even if someone else wants you to feel like shit because he or she just needs a dog to kick, so to speak, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THAT ON. You can just shrug, smile, breathe it out, and be on your merry way, leaving the other person (or plant!!) to simmer in his or her own putrid eau du issues/insecurity/unhappiness.
Wow. I think I may just be one step away from writing my own self-help book. Ah well....I'm learning SO MUCH every day, and I'm grateful for these lessons. While they may be practically unbearable to read at times, I hope that they can at least be helpful. I've wasted so much of my life worrying about what other people have thought of me/are currently thinking about me/might think about me in the future, and so much energy beating myself up for not being perfect. And, well, I think I'm done with that now. And while it's strangely difficult to shut the door on who you have been, for better or worse, and on certain unproductive behaviors to which you have actually become addicted, just knowing that it is POSSIBLE, and that you CAN change your entire life in small moves and shifts means that suddenly the unproductive energy becomes shifted into a fertile energy. A breeding ground for so much possibility.
Double wow. This self-help book would TOTALLY be a bestseller. "A breeding ground for so much possibility?" Awesome self-help speak.
Bob, in all of his wisdom, left a wonderful comment on my last post about being most thankful for the "choices I have yet to make." Here, here.
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