On Suckiness

Whew....I'm barely getting this post in under the wire!! Even though it's technically just before noon here in Bangkok on Monday, November 24th, it's still Sunday, November 23rd in the U.S. (at least for another few minutes), and my computer is set to U.S. time, and NaBloPoMo is set to U.S. time, so this still counts as being on time :)

I'm not gonna lie: it's been a rough week. There's just been some ridiculous stuff, and my foot is still not healing. I was finally able to get an appointment with a foot specialist, who x-rayed it YET AGAIN (this is x-ray number three), agreed with the previous x-rays that it is not, in fact, broken or fractured, and stroked his chin thoughtfully while he gazed at the little swollen stuffed sausages that my toes have been for the past month. He finally looked at me with a sweet smile and very serious eyes, and said, "Brooke, you have GOT TO STAY OFF OF YOUR FOOT. I'm going to give you crutches. You need to stop using your foot!"

My response? "Well, you can GIVE them to me, but I can't use them. I teach preschool, and I have to be on my feet, and my classroom is upstairs, so I have to be constantly going up and down the stairs. And there's no elevator. Is there another option?"

He smiled kindly and put his hand on my arm. "Why don't I write you a note so that you can miss work for three days? You really, really need to rest your foot."

I almost burst into tears right there in the office. "Well, there's NO ONE who can cover for me at work. You see, I'm designing the curriculum for the school, and I'm the only teacher."

He just nodded thoughtfully, smiled again, and signed me up for physical therapy. Sadly, it's going to cost me a small fortune and has all but obliterated my budget for Christmas presents.

To my friends and loved ones, I apologize most profusely.

I think my injured foot has been bothering me more than I have allowed myself to admit. I've had to drop my personal trainer, stop my belly dance classes, and cancel my travel plans to Angkor Wat. I'm also not attending any social events, which means that I haven't been meeting new people, which means that I know very few people here since my friends have departed. I've still been hobbling on my foot and running errands and taking Sunday strolls, but now even that has to stop. My life, at least for the next three weeks, will consist of hobbling into a taxi to go to work, working, hobbling into a taxi to go to physical therapy, and hobbling into a taxi to go home. The realization of this is incredibly depressing. I have no close friends here. No allies. No one who is understanding of my plight, save for my very sweet doctor and the security guards who go out of their way to hail taxis for me so that I don't have to walk to the street.

Now, there's a rather large upside to this. I'm meditating daily, sometimes twice a day. I'm writing constantly. I'm reading books that are stimulating me creatively and intellectually. And I've come to this realization: There is no point in complaining about the hand that you've been dealt. None. Because, well, most of the time there is really nothing you can do to change it. I can't go back and change the decisions that I've made (both large and small) that have brought me to this point, or change my decision to dismount an elephant from its hind leg. I can't change the fact that, due to the crappy exchange rate and my expensive student loan payments (TOTALLY worth every cent, and I would have paid DOUBLE what I did if I had to!!!) and my expensive plane ticket home and now the physical therapy treatments, my financial situation is not what I had hoped it would be at this point. And, well, I can't change the fact that 2008 has been an absolute shitstorm of loss and grief. And complaining about it, moping about it, crying about it.....that is just no longer helpful to me at this point.

That is the lesson that is coming from all of this. It's so easy to get sucked into the negative things, to dwell in them, to furnish a comfy space within a dark and fretting psyche, when in fact, it's just not NECESSARY. This is, however, not to say that one shouldn't feel one's feelings, or that one should deny the fact that something sucks. To NOT do that would also be equally unhealthy (those people who run around with those manic eyes, saying "EVERYTHING'S GREAT! EVERYTHING'S GREAT!", but you can kinda tell that everything's NOT all that great?? Yeah, those people give me the willies....). But after admitting that something sucks, all you can do is move on from there and figure out how you are going to cleave to the joy that you have with all of your might in spite of sucky situations.

Peter has provided the most incredible support that a girl could ever ask for, and he reminded me of this lesson this morning. After I completed a long-winded rant, he, ever so gently, just said, "Baby, you have a right to these complaints. You do. I'm so proud of you for getting through all of this. But the complaining just upsets you. I'm cutting you off!" We then proceeded to talk about the amazing things that we have planned for Christmas break, and the incredible life that we are going to have together.

Hmmm. I'm sitting in the lobby of my condo near the restrooms, and it's quite possible that the plumbing has malfunctioned and backed up because all of a sudden there is the most GODAWFUL SMELL coming from there. The always fabulous and plentiful breeze that blows constantly through the lobby is not helping matters.

So yes. Sometimes we can't always have the best hand (or, um, foot), or be surrounded by the smell of roses. Sometimes things just suck. But then they get better, and the sucking is only temporary, and the joy that can be maintained through the suckiness is just that much more sweet.