Growth and decay

I've gotten some concerned e-mails from some readers (um, hi Mom!!) who have noticed the slightly morose tone that I've taken in some recent posts, and they were wondering if I am, y'know, alright. Worry not, loyal readers (hi again, Mom)! As I mentioned in my last post, there have been some difficult things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. BUT, I have dusted myself off and continued on. This last year has been full of many ups and downs. Things are starting to finally stabilize, and for that I am most definitely grateful. And I've still taken plenty of time through all of the difficult moments to STOP and LOOK and appreciate the various amazing places that I've gone. To savor the beautiful encounters and adventures that I've had. Sometimes real growth can only occur if you really push yourself. If you dare yourself to feel lonely and sad and scared, and if you take a huge leap out of your comfort zone. Then you realize that, no, it's actually NOT going to kill you. In fact, it feels pretty good. And I'm realizing also that happiness isn't just about one extreme vs. another (in other words, happiness does not mean that EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND SUNSHINY AND SPARKLY or else it SUCKS). Things can be sucky and you can still find a way to be happy. Conversely, for a lot of people, things can be perfect and they can still find a way to be unhappy. Right now I'm learning things that I wouldn't have learned if I hadn't taken a gigantic risk in coming to Thailand (armed only with two suitcases and the part of my brain that allows me to take complete and utter leave of my senses from time to time) and starting a school from scratch. And it has been both difficult and exhilarating. And, well, sometimes growth and learning can be downright painful, and sometimes things in your life have to decay in order to make room for this new growth. And that's just how it is. So often we get so fearful of letting things decay, and letting people go who don't want to be in our lives anymore, and evicting the people who shouldn't be in our lives anymore, and letting go of grudges and negative feelings that brought us some sort of fucked up comfort, and letting go of bad habits, and letting go of the people we used to be, that we make the choice to stay still in a personal space where it's nice and cozy and warm, but there's no room for growth.

So yes. I am alright. I am starting to Get It. And I'm riding the waves of my ups and downs without swallowing them.

Thailand is starting to sink into my veins and clean out a lot of things. Anger, intensity, self-righteousness, extreme stress, crabbiness, slavish devotion to a deadline, unrealistic perfectionism....they don't translate here. And most people don't believe me, but NO ONE uses horns here (unless it's for a legitimate warning in order to avoid a collision...and even then, only at the very last second), and you NEVER hear people yelling in an argument. There is a surface of calm here, even on these chaotic city streets and sidewalks, that can be disturbed even by a sour facial expression. And once that ripple of unpleasantness, no matter how small, has started, then everyone feels it. Everyone's day is ruined. So it just doesn't happen. And I'm just trying to drink it all in. To make this energy a part of me. To somehow store all of the smiles that I receive every day in some sort of pocket, because I know that soon enough I will not be greeted by beaming strangers every time I walk down the street, and I will not be able to rely on the scent of jasmine from the garland vendors to give my nose and lungs a break from the urban air. I will have to start veering off of the sidewalk again (what IS that?? There are two kinds of people in the U.S.: people who veer, and people who just keep plowing along and expecting everyone else to move out of the way. I mean, can you give me an INCH at least so that I don't have to walk right into the fender of this oncoming car???? I digress....) and expecting anything with wheels to yield to my pedestrian self.

Goodness. I'm realizing that I miss Bangkok already, and I'm still here.....