On Solitude

It's certainly been no secret on this blog that I've had my share of ups and downs here. Bangkok, in spite of its enormity and energy and chaos and large amounts of expats living here, can be a surprisingly lonely place. I think the life of an expat can be surprisingly lonely: friendships shift, people come and go, everything feels like it is in a constant state of flux. I spend a lot of time alone. The fact that I don't really have coworkers makes this even worse; on days like today, when my employers are not here, I can go the entire day without having a conversation with anyone. And while I am a girl who DEFINITELY needs her alone time, too much of it drives me a little bit batty. I think, though, that there is a lot to learn from solitude.

On Monday, my day off, I slept late, bought some new bags (omg...they are soooo cute), ate some warm cherry crumble with vanilla sauce, spent two hours in a used bookstore/cafe, visited an art gallery, read, and saw the new Indiana Jones movie (and, um, welcome back, Indy!!!!!!). And while this most definitely has the makings of the Most Dorktastic Day known to man, it was like some sort of lightening rod. Things became much more clear.

I bought books* that serve the purpose of being catalysts for expansion. I want to learn Buddhist meditation, so I bought a book on that. I want to learn more about the exploitation of developing nations and the dilution of cultural identities as the world becomes increasingly more branded, thereby transforming the idea of the "global village" into a sort of homogenized consumerism that is powered by increasingly manipulative marketing tactics. Y'know....The Global Village! Brought to you by McDonald's! Because we all have heart attacks in the same language....So, um, I bought a book on that. I also picked up this little gem, and a whole bunch of other good stuff. So, there I was with my mammoth pile of books and I started diving into each of them right there in the store, perched on my little padded stool and sneezing from the dust and mildew. And, yes, I was alone. And, yes, I was doing things that I would normally prefer to do with friends or Peter. But it was so nice just sitting there, reading, with nothing else to worry about.

In Asia there is a much greater appreciation for the impermanence of things than we have in the West. The West is the land of reinforced steel. We want plaques and stars in sidewalks and monuments to our glory and billion dollar houses and faces that never wrinkle. We want to prove to the world that WE WERE HERE and we want parts of ourselves to last forever. WE want to last forever. And, hey, I'm not saying that they DON'T build monuments or buy anti-wrinkle cream or are anti-immortality in Asia. I'm just saying that, whether it's due to the Buddhist beliefs, or due to the fact that age is revered and respected (thereby lessening the fear of it), there is a greater acceptance of the impermanent here. Things change, things decay, people age, living things die. Even death is impermanent.

And so I'm learning to let the loneliness fall through my fingers. To let the joy fall through my fingers. To let the frustration and the mosquito bites and the happiness and the quiet fall through my fingers. It's taken me a year to get to this place, but I finally realize that it's time to focus inward, to be contemplative, and to be HERE. It's time to look at the red flowers that are blooming in the treetops as the Skytrain whizzes by. It's time to stop looking at friends' Facebook pictures and wishing I were back in the States partying along with them (as my friend R. said to me at dinner the other night, "Facebook is the devil when you're overseas and feeling lonely." Hell yes.). There have been plenty of amazing times with friends, plenty of party pictures (some more flattering than others....), and there will be many more. I feel the love of many friends and family so strongly right now, which gives me tremendous strength. It won't be much longer until I'm raising a family and changing diapers and cleaning up projectile baby vomit and surviving on four hours of sleep a night and trying to somehow find time to have a career in there and I will long for the days when I could sleep in, spend hours in a bookstore, or linger over a photograph in an art gallery, listening to nothing but the sound of my own silence.

So....Solitude, Silence, pull up a chair and I'll buy you each a shot of whiskey. You have a lot to tell me**.

*I realize that talking about the books I bought was a tad bit off topic, but I wanted to squeeze that in there because I *highly* recommend these books and thought that other people might find them interesting!

**Hmmm...it appears that I've written about this stuff before. I guess the difference is that now I'm ACTUALLY learning what I'm supposed to learn, and I ACTUALLY see the larger picture in all of this, instead of just SAYING that there are things I'm supposed to learn. Sweet!!